Have you ever really wanted to impress someone, maybe a group of “someone’s?” Well, I have. In fact, just recently, I ran into, once againm that ugly aspect of myself lurking just inside my heart. Guess what? It was not a bit prettier than the last time I saw it, nor was it any more appealing. In truth, I think it might be more repulsive than ever. Sometimes I wonder, will I ever get over me? Best I can tell, I will be dragging me around for some time. My prayer is the Lord will continue to reveal, forgive, deliver and transform me ever more into His image, which is lovely and always…absolutely always…at peace with Himself.
A little background is in order, I suppose. Recently I was invited to be considered as a leader among a group of leaders. After filling out the paperwork, I was asked to come by for an interview. In truth, it felt more to me like an interrogation, though in retrospect, it was very gentle indeed. It only lasted ten or so minutes and it took me a couple of days to get past how dreadful I felt I had presented myself.
I had prayed, prayed harder than normal for a meeting and yet felt all alone as I sat at the end of what must have been a 50 foot long table. I was puzzled over this and so, went to the Lord. I asked why He did not show up for me as I had asked. You see, in truth, I really know with great assurance that without the Lord’s touch and direction, I am really not very clever and certainly not that interesting. Why, when I needed Him did He appear to have left me in the room alone?
His answer, as is His way, was very short, and very pointed. In fact, it was like an arrow and it went right to my heart, which was the heart of the matter after all.
Why did/does it matter so very much?
Oh, I was getting some insight. Later, as I talked with a dear friend who I know I can be honest with, I shared the same question I had posed to the Lord. I sort of hoped she would come up with a better response for me. Her prompt answer, and she is normally one to ponder a moment or so, was, “motive.” Wow, now along with my heart being pierced, I had been “found out” and hit right between the eyes.
No longer could I perhaps be wrong in what I thought the Lord said. There was no place to hide and no where to run…except as is always the case…right into the Lord’s arms. Amazingly, there He was waiting as I repented and asked Him to forgive me, continually deal with my heart, reveal His work in me and finding myself in His eyes give me the courage to be honest with myself and Him. And my prayer, as it has been for a very long time was and is…please deliver me from me and completely into you.
How precious are the Lord’s dealing with us, His children. How faithful He is to never give up and never despise us along the way. How wonderful He is. I am so grateful. He allows me, through life being lived, to see where He is working, what He desires and then wills and works within to bring to pass His best in and for me.
Oh and, I have found myself of late freer than before that meeting. Again, I am reminded that I have nothing to prove, nothing to lose and nothing to hide. I know I am His and He loves me, even likes me. I am valuable in His eyes and that is more than enough. And because He knows me through and through and still loves and values me, I don’t need to hide from you the truth of my humanity, my struggle, my sin. The journey of the soul can be painful, it can be winding and difficult, but with our companion, the Holy Spirit, leading us, it is sheer joy and always leads us to Him, our final destination.
